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Resume Cover Letter

Resume Cover Letter

Things Not To Put In A Resume Cover Letter

1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. My turn-ons include...
10. I'm confident that I'll get this job.


Things Not To Say At An Interview

When you are asked, "Do you have any questions?", do not ask:

Do you have a lot of single nubile women/men working here?
Do you have full Internet access?
What are my chances at getting a sunny corner office?
What do you expect to gain by employing me?
What will be the color of my company car?
When can I start?




More Office Jokes

Project Management

Immutable Laws Of Project Management

Law 1: No major project is ever completed on time, within budget, with the same staff that started it, nor does the project do what it is supposed to do. It is highly unlikely that yours will be the first.

Corollary 1: The benefits will be smaller than initially estimated, if estimates were made at all.
Corollary 2: The system finally installed will be completed late and will not do what it is supposed to do.
Corollary 3: It will cost more but will be technically successful.

Law 2: One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid embarrassment in estimating the corresponding costs.

Law 3: The effort required to correct a project that is off course increases geometrically with time.

Corollary 1: The longer you wait the harder it gets.
Corollary 2: If you wait until the project is completed, it's too late.
Corollary 3: Do it now regardless of the embarrassment.

Law 4: The project purpose statement you wrote and understand will be seen differently by everyone else.

Corollary 1: If you explain the purpose so clearly that no one could possibly misunderstand, someone will.
Corollary 2: If you do something that you are sure will meet everyone's approval, someone will not like it.

Law 5: Measurable benefits are real. Intangible benefits are not measurable, thus intangible benefits are not real.

Corollary 1: Intangible benefits are real if you can prove that they are real.

Law 6: Anyone who can work effectively on a project part-time certainly does not have enough to do now.

Corollary 1: If a boss will not give a worker a full-time job, you shouldn't either.
Corollary 2: If the project participant has a time conflict, the work given by the full-time boss will not suffer.

Law 7: The greater the project's technical complexity, the less you need a technician to manage it.

Corollary 1: Get the best manager you can. The manager will get the technicians.

Corollary 2: The reverse of corollary 1 is almost never true.

Law 8: A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete than expected. A carefully planned project will only take twice as long.

Corollary 1: If nothing can possibly go wrong, it will anyway.

Law 9: When the project is going well, something will go wrong.

Corollary 1: When things cannot get any worse, they will.
Corollary 2: When things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Law 10: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Law 11: Projects progress rapidly until they are 90 percent complete. Then they remain 90 percent complete forever.

Law 12: If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of change will exceed the rate of progress.

Law 13: If the user does not believe in the system, a parallel system will be developed. Neither system will work very well.

Law 14: Benefits achieved are a function of the thoroughness of the post- audit check.

Corollary 1: The prospect of an independent post-audit provides the project team with a powerful incentive to deliver a good system on schedule within budget.

Law 15: No system is ever completely debugged. Attempts to debug a system inevitably introduce new bugs that are even harder to find.

Law 16: No law is immutable.

Good Professional

Are you qualified to be a professional

The following quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional.

The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

Scroll down for the answers.


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator,
put in the giraffe
and close the door.

This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

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2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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Incorrect answer:
Open the refrigerator,
put in the elephant
and shut the refrigerator.

Correct answer:
Open the refrigerator,
take out the giraffe,
put in the elephant
and close the door.

This question tests your foresight.

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3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend except one.
Which animal does not attend?
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Correct answer:
The elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator!

This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

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4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it? (You dont have a boat!)

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Correct Answer:
Simply swim through it.
All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!

This question tests your reasoning ability.

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If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as politics.

'High-Tech' Worker

How do you know that you are a 'High-Tech' Worker?

It's dark when you drive to and from work.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
You learn about your layoff on CNN.
Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
10% of the people you work with (boss included) -- knows what they do.
Vacation is something you rollover to next year.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers" or "does something with satellites"
You read this entire list and understood it.

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