To: All Employees
Subj: Restroom Policy
In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective January 1, 1995, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of employees.
Under the policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip credit of twenty (20) trips. Restroom Trip credits can be accumulated from month to month.
Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of December, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Material Department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the month of January. Employees should acquaint themselves with the station during that period.
If the employee's Restroom Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper toll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty (30) seconds after the alarm sounds the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the Distribution Center Bulletin Boards. Anyone's picture showing up three (3) times will be immediately terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your immediate supervisor. They have all received advance instruction.
Thank you and have a nice day,
New Element: Administratium
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at the Naval Research Laboratory. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 126 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally occur in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after such reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities, and can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration, can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
I also hear that the reaction of Administratium with another new element, TQMium, is fairly unstable. Sometimes chemical bonding occurs and a new improved compound is formed. Other times the reaction is more violent with excessive amounts of heat and darkness being generated and the Administratium remaining unchanged. It is believed that these differences have some relationship to the number of "holes" in the support provided by the various neutrons. Scientists are looking into them.
More Office Jokes
To: All Employees
It is now and always has been the policy of this department to assure its students that they are well educated. Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our students more SHIT than any other college in the area.
If any student feels that he or she could advance to another college by taking more SHIT, see the department chairperson.
Our teachers are specially trained to assure that students will get all the SHIT that they can handle.
Any individual who feels he or she has nor received sufficient Special High Intensity Training, tell your teacher, so he/she can put you at the top of the SHIT list.
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.