10 commandments for 'working hard':
1. Never walk without a document in your hands:
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do;
2. Use computers to look busy:
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars;
3. Messy desk:
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives;
4. Voice Mail:
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel;
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed:
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late:
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays;
7. Creative Sighing for Effect:
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure;
8. Stacking Strategy:
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best);
9. Build Vocabulary:
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses.
Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
More Office Jokes
The workers talk about football in the afternoon,
The officers talk about cricket in the afternoon,
The managers talk about billiards in the afternoon,
and the directors talk about golf in the afternoon,
that means and proves that higher you go smaller your balls are!!
Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were going in an auto. They met with an accident and all three of them die.
Yama Dharma Raj was waiting for this moment. He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.
Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All three of them served public. Similarly, took bribes, misused public post etc. He felt that there should be a formal test or a concrete way to decide this, and should not be just based on opinion.
Yama agrees to this and asks all three of them to appear for English test. PVNR is asked to spell "INDIA" and he does it correctly. Advani is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes. It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell "CZECHOSLOVAKIA".
Laloo protests that he doesn't know English. It is not fair that he is given a tough question and thus forced to fail.
Yama agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi is ideal).
PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and passes. Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes. Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....." Tough one. He Fails.
Laloo is not happy. Being a history student, he preferred only to be tested in History.
Yama says this is the last chance and he would not take any more tests. PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence?". He replied "1947" and passed.
Advani is asked "How many people died in it?". He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000 (clue). Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.
It's Laloo's turn now. Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died. Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.
MORAL: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT IS DETERMINED TO SCREW YOU, ANTICIPATE IT AND BE REPARED TO ACCEPT IT. THERE IS NO ESCAPE.
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.
"Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"
The secretary's reply, "My lawyer."