Rape Of Concern

Rape Of Concern

Due to the Current financial situation, our Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Personnel selected for RAPE can apply to our Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme(Special Help After Retirement). Personnel who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED Only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Personnel who have been RAPED can apply to the Vice President (Works) to get AIDS (Additional Income for Retired Personnel or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, personnel who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Person staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives itsstaff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your manager. He has been trained to give you as much SHIT as you can handle.

Sd/- Vice President (Works)

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Prepare The Boss

As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."

He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared... prepare yourself."

Perfect Answers

This is what I call three perfect answers... If questioned

1. What would I like to change in your work?

2. What would I like to change in my office?
A. Everything leaving me

3. What I like the most in my office?
A. Nothing leaving me

Working Hard

10 commandments for 'working hard':

1. Never walk without a document in your hands:

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do;

2. Use computers to look busy:

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars;

3. Messy desk:

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives;

4. Voice Mail:

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel;

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed:

According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late:

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays;

7. Creative Sighing for Effect:

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure;

8. Stacking Strategy:

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best);

9. Build Vocabulary:

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses.

Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.


DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

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