Drinking So Fast
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "you would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "what do you have?"
The guy says, "I have just 75 cents"
More Bar Jokes
A couple of airplane mechanics, drinking buddies, are in the hanger at Newyork, where the runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do.
John says, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah," says Bill "but I hear that you can drink jet fuel, that it will give you a real buzz."
So they proceed to drink jet fuel, get smashed, and have a beautiful time as only drinkin' buddies can.
Next morning, John expects his head to explode when he gets up, but is pleasantly surprised that he has no hangover at all.
The phone rings with Bill asking how he feels. "I feel great!" says John. "No hangover!" "Me neither," says Bill.
"That jet fuel is great stuff and no hangover," says John. "We ought to do this more often."
Yeah," says Bill, "But there is one thing. Did you fart yet?"
"Because I'm in Phoenix."
This guy was in a bar talking to his hand. The bartender came to him and said, "I do not want weirdo's in my bar. I might ask you to leave."
The guy said, "I'm talking to my cell phone. I got tired of carrying my cell phone so I had it imbedded into my hand."
The bartender did not believe him, so the guy had the bartender dial a number and then talked into his hand. The bartender said, "How cool!"
As the evening went on the bar got more crowded. The bartender looked up and noticed the guy was gone but his drink and cigarettes were still there. The bartender got worried and went looking for him.
The bartender went into the bathroom and saw the guy on the floor with his pants down to his knees and a roll of toilet paper up his butt. The bartender asked, "Are you OK? Who did this to you?"
The guy replied, "I'm OK, just waiting for a fax!"
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00
Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"
The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"