Q. Whats the difference between an lawyer and a dog?
A. Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.
Q. Why did God invent lawyers?
A. So that realtors would have someone to look down on.
More Lawyer Jokes
There was a lot of shouting going on in the court.
JUDGE: The next person in this court who dares to utter a word will be thrown out.
PRISONER: Me, me!
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. She soon realized that she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward and asked: "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me $15,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
"My dad sued me for the money."
A small-town prosecutor called his first witness to the stand: a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, racist, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he threatened, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"