Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on March 2, 1999:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline had read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
More Funny Jokes
Sol and Mort are walking from religious service. Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?"
So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?"
But Rabbi says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Sol goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. Mort says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?" To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."
Moral: The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
A protestant moved into a completely Catholic comunity. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their comunity. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy stake on Friday night, they began to squirm.
They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:
You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic.
And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinlking ketchup on the beef saying:
You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish.
What a coincidence? Go through this.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846
John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946
Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860
John F. Kennedy was elected president in 1960
Both wives lost children while living in the white house
Both presidents were shot on a Friday
Both presidents were shot in the head
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln
Both were assassinated by southerners
Both were succeeded by southerners
Both successors were named Johnson
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939
Both assassins were known by their three names
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters
Lincoln was shot at the theater named Kennedy
Kennedy was shot in a car called Lincoln
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials
AND HERE'S THE KICKER
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe