Measuring Up

Measuring Up

Dennis the drunk was broke as usual, but needed a drink. He knew the barman to be a sporting fellow, so he offered him a bet.

"I'll bet you the price of a pint of beer that my prick is longer than your cat's tail," he said to the barman. The barman could not resist a certain
winning bet so he lay down his money.

The barman whipped up the cat and measured it and then measured Dennis's somewhat sad-looking member. "You lose by just over 3 inches, Dennis," he said, "so pay up!"

"Just a minute," slurred Dennis. "Where did you measure the cat's tail from?"

"From its arse to its to its tip replied the barman.

"OK," said Dennis. "Well, would you mind giving me the same courtesy!"

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A little girl goes to her mum after school says "Mummy mummy I just saw Johnny's willy" the mums shocked, the little girl continues..... "it was like a PEANUT"

The mum giggles, and replies "Why? was it small"

The little girl says "NO! It Was SALTY "

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

The Helpful Nurse

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and have an IQ of 165, and I'd like to make a donation."

The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. Twenty minutes pass and the man still doesn't come out, so the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" she asks.

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replies, "I don't usually do this, but you are kind of cute..." She gets on her knees and begins to pleasure him.

"I really appreciate this, but I just needed help getting the cap off the jar!"

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