A man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says, "You're single aren't you?" The man replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?" She replies, "Because you are so damn ugly!"
More Stupid Jokes
Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God !!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick!!! Take all your clothes off."
A man walked into the ladies department. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.".
"What type of bra?", asked the clerk.
"Type?", inquired the man "There is more than one type?".
"Look Around.", said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras.", replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked,
"Only three? What are they?".
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?".
Still confused the man asked
"What is the difference between them?".
The lady responded
"It is quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the throne room, and introduces him to God.
Ford then asks God, "When you invented woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.........Just to name a few."
"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute."
God goes over to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."