Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 - 160 lbs.
Occurence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
1) Surface usually covered in a painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given proper treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly.
5) Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
1) Possesses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and other precious metals.
2) Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left with a MALE.
4) Insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
1) Highly ornamental especially in sports cars.
2) Most poweful money-reducing agent known to man.
3) Can be a great aid in relaxation.
1) Pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2) Illegal to possess more than one except in certain areas.
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think wouldhonor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
More Marriage Jokes
* Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
* Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
* I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
* We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
* Marriage is like a cage, one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
* By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
* Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
* Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"