Heaven or Hell

Heaven or Hell

A young lady came home and told her mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway dear," the mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is!"

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Divorcee Barbie

A guy walks into the Toys-store shop in downtown and says to the assistant:
"Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?"

She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have:

*Fashion Barbie @ $15.95
*Vacation Barbie @ $15.95
*Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and
*Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"

The guy asks in astonishment,"Why is "Divorcee Barbie so much? She looks the same to me."

The assistant answers, "Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's golf clubs, his season tickets to the Tribe and the Browns, his Gold MasterCard, his yacht and his summer home."

Understanding Women

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think wouldhonor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A Chemical Analysis

Element: Woman
Symbol: WO

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 - 160 lbs.

Occurence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered in a painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given proper treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly.
5) Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

Chemical Properties:
1) Possesses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and other precious metals.
2) Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left with a MALE.
4) Insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.

5) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

1) Highly ornamental especially in sports cars.
2) Most poweful money-reducing agent known to man.
3) Can be a great aid in relaxation.

1) Pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2) Illegal to possess more than one except in certain areas.

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