Perfect Day for a Woman
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh 5 lb. lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny, gay personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lb.
13:00 Shopping with friends, buy myself something special.
16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
19:00 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
20:00 Surprised with a piece of jewelry as a token of love.
21:30 Hot shower. Alone.
22:00 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
Perfect Day for a Man
06:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
07:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
09:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Playmate of your choice.
19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip.
21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
23:00 Massage and jacuzzi.
23:45 Go to bed.
23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.
Drinks and Personality
Bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results of women:
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to Earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine -
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years . . . Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the male addendum ...
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.
White Zin: He's gay!
More Sexy Jokes
Perfect Day for a Woman
The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."