To My Dear Wife
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is
a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just layed there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
More Marriage Jokes
Wife - Why did you break the glass?
Husband - I did not break the glass.
Wife - When I threw the glass why did you move your head!!
Little Johnny was attending his first wedding. After the service, his Uncle Rodney asked him, "So Johnny, now that you've been to your first wedding, can you tell me how many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," Johnny responded.
His Uncle was amazed that he had an answer so quickly and asked, "How do you know that?"
"Easy," Little Johnny said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said,'4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer'."
There was once a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife,"Now listen, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
So he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife.
I wrote him a cheque!!!!"