The Lamp

A guy finds a magic lamp and rubs it. The genie pops out and says "I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thinks and thinks and finally gives his answer:

"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want." "Okay, if you say so," the genie replied. And POOF! he turned into a toilet seat.

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Between Sanity and Insanity

1. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage.

2. The difference between riding a bicycle and a woman is that Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, while Riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.

3. When you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to, and the rest of time to others.

4. Never believe in 'love at first sight'. It's always best to take a second look.

5. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

6. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

7. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

8. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

9. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

10. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

11. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

12. You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.

13. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

14. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

15. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

16. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

17. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

18. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

19. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

20. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

21. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

22. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

23. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

24. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

25. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

26. Untrustworthy - Few men look trustworthy with their pants down around their ankles.

27. No Fear - I keep all my credit cards maxed out so I never have to worry about identity theft.

28. Jack brags about his sex life, "I know I'm really good in bed because women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer."

29. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad, An optimist hopes they are.

30. Common sense is good to have, but never let it master you for then it might deprive you of the foolish things it's fun to do.

31. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste...

Missing Condoms

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only seven condoms remaining in the box of twelve, so she asked him,"What happened to the other four condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Ummm, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

Last Child

Once a husband and wife lived in a old town, they had four kids the first three were slim and had brown hair, the last one was fat and had black hair.

Husband-Darling, I am going to die (he had cancer). Please do tell me is our last child really ours.

Wife-I swear you, he is really ours.

Hearing this the husband died pecafully.

Wife-Thank god, "He didn't ask about the first three..."

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