A WOMAN comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband: Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache."I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says: "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying:

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

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75th Wedding Anniversary

An elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know: did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment and then confesses, "Yes, yes he did."

The old man is shaken; the reality of what his wife admitted hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."

The Lamp

A guy finds a magic lamp and rubs it. The genie pops out and says "I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thinks and thinks and finally gives his answer:

"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want." "Okay, if you say so," the genie replied. And POOF! he turned into a toilet seat.

Between Sanity and Insanity

1. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage.

2. The difference between riding a bicycle and a woman is that Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, while Riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.

3. When you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to, and the rest of time to others.

4. Never believe in 'love at first sight'. It's always best to take a second look.

5. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

6. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

7. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

8. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

9. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

10. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

11. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

12. You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.

13. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

14. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

15. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

16. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

17. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

18. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

19. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

20. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

21. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

22. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

23. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

24. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

25. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

26. Untrustworthy - Few men look trustworthy with their pants down around their ankles.

27. No Fear - I keep all my credit cards maxed out so I never have to worry about identity theft.

28. Jack brags about his sex life, "I know I'm really good in bed because women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer."

29. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad, An optimist hopes they are.

30. Common sense is good to have, but never let it master you for then it might deprive you of the foolish things it's fun to do.

31. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste...

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