5 Year Old Wisdom
A teacher was asking these group of 5 year old a couple of questions
If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. "NO" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO"
"Well", I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
The group shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD"
More Funny Jokes
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and doing anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent having two, a referee.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband!
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.
Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give or she'll take it anyway.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you!
This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking... Just Check This Out!!!!
Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.
Ans. = man overboard
Ans. = I understand
OK?.... Got the drift? Let's try a few now and see how you fair?
Ans. = reading between the lines
Ans. = cross road
Ans. = tricycle
Ans. = two degrees below zero
Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)
feet feet feet feet feet feet
Ans. = six feet underground
9. he's / himself
Ans. = he's by himself
Ans. = backward glance
11. death ..... life
Ans. = life after death
Ans. think big !!
And the last one is real fundoo............
Ans. long time no 'C' (see)