Self Made Man
A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house. While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, "Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?"
The kid says, "Daddy told me you were a self-made man."
"Well, why did you make yourself ugly like that?"
More Funny Jokes
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father," "Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits -- these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them -- and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!
A teacher was asking these group of 5 year old a couple of questions
If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. "NO" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO"
"Well", I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
The group shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD"
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and doing anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"