Pack up

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the state lottery!"

Martha replies, "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man says, "I don't care. Just as long as you're out of the house by noon."




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Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Wishing Well

A couple comes upon a wishing well. The wife leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny. The husband decides to make a wish, too. But he leans over too much, falls into the well and drowns. Stunned, the wife smiles broadly and exclaims, "It really works!"

Dog's Tail

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet, "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

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