A man at the doctors:
Doctor, I have diarrhea and it won't go away!
Did you try using a lemon?
Yes I did, but when I removed it, it started again!

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Best Patients

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

In Plane English

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

A doctor attending a patient

Patient:Doctor I want to undergo a 'by-pass surgery', what is the probability of success?
Doctor: 100%!!

Patient:But how can you be so sure of acheiving 100% success?
Doctor: On the day of Convocation, my prof. told me that when you practise medicine chances of failure will be 99% and success 1%.

I have already attended 99 patients (failed to cure them) and you are the 100th!!

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