Lawyer at Heaven Gate
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
More Lawyer Jokes
The Old Perfesser poses the following problem to one of his classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his hand and says, "A lawyer?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains."How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
The madam opened the brothel door in nevada and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I would like to see valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else' said the Madam.
'No, I would like to see valerie,' he replied.
Just then, valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts.
The price was still $5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, valerie questioned the man, 'no one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
The man replied, ' minnesota.'
'Really', she said. 'I have family in minnesota.'
'I know.' the man said. 'your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 Inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that
Three things in life are certain.
2. Taxes, and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer