Guide Dog

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

A passer by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him."

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American Holiday

Osama consults a psychic about the date of his death.

Psychic: You will die on an American holiday.

Osama: Which one?

Psychic: Anyday you die shall be an American holiday.

Capital of China

A girl was yelling in the Church after the Chapel: "Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!"

The priest inquired: "Why must you pray so, my child?"

Girl: "That's what I've written in my answer sheet in the examination!"


There was an Aussie, a Scotsman and an Aborigine driving along, when they rolled the car and the three of them got killed. They went to Heaven and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They explained that they'd been killed and needed a place to stay.

St. Peter replied, "I'd love to help you boys but we're full up after the holiday season. I'm afraid you'll have to go into Limbo till there's a vacancy."

The Aussie slipped St. Peter $50 and asked if that'd make any difference. St Peter said, "For that mate, you can go back to Earth."

By the time the Aussie got back, there were police everywhere and an ambulance. They all got a real shock when he sat up.

"What happened? You've been dead for half and hour," asked the ambulance driver. He told them about St. Peter and the $50, so the ambulance driver asked why the other two didn't come back.

"Well," says the Aussie, "The Scotsman's trying to bargain him down to $20 and the Abo reckons the government should pay for it!"

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