25 signs you have had too much to drink
1) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3) Job interfering with you're drinking.
4) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20) Roseanne looks good.
21) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23) Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24) "I'm as jober as a sudge."
25) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
More Bar Jokes
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.
But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. The bartender is quite taken aback at how wrong he was.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.
He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.
"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"
A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and says " I don't have a problem, I'm celebrating my first blow job!" The bartender looks with a smile and says," well that's just dandy, let me get the next one!" "No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, the 7th won't help either!!!"