Some ladies, who were determined to put an end to drinking in their colony, went to the house of a retired Army Officer one evening.
"When did you last have a drink?" they asked
"1945? replied the officer.
"That is very good!" remarked the ladies very happily. "So you are a teetotaler now?"
"I wouldn't call it exactly that," replied the officer, looking at his watch. "You see it is only 2015 now."
More Bar Jokes
A man saw his friend limping badly as he came towards him. "Yaar, how did you get this injury to your leg?"
"I did not have enough to drink," replied the other.
"That does not make any sense! How can you hurt yourself by not having enough to drink?"
"Very simple," replied his friend, "If I had been really and fully drunk, I would have fallen down at the shop. As I was half drunk, I tried to walk home, fell into a ditch and sprained my foot."
1) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3) Job interfering with you're drinking.
4) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20) Roseanne looks good.
21) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23) Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24) "I'm as jober as a sudge."
25) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."