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How Long?

How Long?

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.
"About two hours," says the conductor.
"OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?"
The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!"




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Military Precision!

Some ladies, who were determined to put an end to drinking in their colony, went to the house of a retired Army Officer one evening.
"When did you last have a drink?" they asked
"1945? replied the officer.
"That is very good!" remarked the ladies very happily. "So you are a teetotaler now?"
"I wouldn't call it exactly that," replied the officer, looking at his watch. "You see it is only 2015 now."

Half Drunk!

A man saw his friend limping badly as he came towards him. "Yaar, how did you get this injury to your leg?"
"I did not have enough to drink," replied the other.
"That does not make any sense! How can you hurt yourself by not having enough to drink?"
"Very simple," replied his friend, "If I had been really and fully drunk, I would have fallen down at the shop. As I was half drunk, I tried to walk home, fell into a ditch and sprained my foot."

25 signs you have had too much to drink

1) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3) Job interfering with you're drinking.
4) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20) Roseanne looks good.
21) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23) Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24) "I'm as jober as a sudge."
25) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

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