Man and Wife
Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.
The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.
They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."
Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.
The man replied,"Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said," "Come out and fight like a man!".
More Marriage Jokes
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says: let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".
The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"
The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom.
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom".
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Peter called his doctor's office for an appointment.
"I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."
Peter said, "But I could be dead by then!"
Receptionist replied, "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment. "