In The Morning
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
More Lawyer Jokes
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to t he midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange. an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket again, the man told the bartender he'd had enough.
The bartender asked, "I've got to ask you. What's with the pocket business?"
"Oh," said the drunk, "I have my lawyer's picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough."