Psychiatric Hotline

Psychiatric Hotline

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.

More Medical Jokes


A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Double Dose of Viagra

Bubba went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra.The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. 
"Why not?' asked Bubba. 
"Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor. 
"But I need it really bad,' said Bubba. 
"Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor. 
Bubba answered, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose." 
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any bad side effects." 
On Monday, Bubba dragged himself in to the doctor's office, his right arm in a sling. 
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?" 
Bubba said, "No one showed up."

Duck Hunting

A medical student, an Internist, a Psychiatrist, a Surgeon and a Pathologist go duck hunting.
They barely find their duck blind before the first duck flies over. The medical student is the first to raise his shotgun, but unable to tell if the duck is really a duck, he does not shoot.
The internist aims his shotgun, but can not tell if the duck is male or female and he does not shoot.
The psychiatrist has the duck framed in his sight, but then lowers his shotgun, claiming "I know this is a duck, but does the duck know he's a duck?"
The surgeon quickly raises his shotgun, aims, and without pause shoots. The duck falls to the ground. The surgeon turns to the pathologist. "Go figure out if that's a duck or not."

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