A surgical patient wakes up after an operation and is told that he's got to be opened up again. It seems that the surgical team has left a pair of rubber gloves inside him. The patient says, 'Couldn't I just pay for them?'
You are Pregnant
A doctor is walking down a hospital ward when he hears a shriek and hears a nun running out of another doctor's office. Curious, he steps in to find out what's going on. 'Oh, I just told that nun she's pregnant,' says the second doctor. 'My God, is she?' asks the first doctor. 'Of course not,' says the second doctor. 'But it cured her hiccups.'
More Medical Jokes
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo an operation. She's laid into a trolley and wheeled into the corridor. The nurse leaves her outside the operating theater and goes to tell the surgeon she's ready. A young man in a white coat comes over, lifts up the girl's sheet and examines her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and performs the same examination. Then a third man comes over and lifts the sheet. The girl loses her temper, 'Are these examinations strictly necessary?' she complains. 'I've no idea,' replies the man. 'We're just here to paint the ceiling.'
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.