This story comes from London, England.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off dear, the man should be here soon."
Half-an-hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam.
I've come to........"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you", Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really"? The photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well. Where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too, you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of..........." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it", Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my goodness!!!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" Asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so, I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um....equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod????"
Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.
Madam? Madam?......Goodness, she's fainted.
All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous lady walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.
"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!"
"I just got here, Amigo," she replied. "Give me a few minutes."
More Sexy Jokes
This story comes from London, England.
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up rugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...' "
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"