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Dictionary of Dating

Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.




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How to lose weight

Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement...........................12 cal
Without her agreement.......................187 cal

TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands...............................8 cal
With one hand................................12 cal
With the mouth...............................85 cal

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection.................................6 cal
Without erection............................315 cal

FOREPLAY
Trying to find the clitoris...................8 cal
Trying to find G spot........................92 cal
Without caring at all.........................0 cal

WHEN "DOING IT"
Holding her up...............................12 cal
Just on the floor.............................8 cal

POSITIONS
Daddy-mummy...................................2 cal
69 laying.....................................8 cal
69 standing up..............................112 cal
Trolley.....................................216 cal
Italian chandelier..........................912 cal

HAVING AN ORGASM
Real........................................112 cal
Fake........................................315 cal

POST ORGASM
Staying in bed...............................18 cal
Jumping off the bed..........................36 cal
Figuring out why she jumped off the bed.....816 cal

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age...............12 cal
From 20 to 29................................36 cal
From 30 to 39...............................108 cal
From 40 to 49...............................324 cal
From 50 to 59...............................972 cal
Over 60.................................. 2916 cal

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly......................................32 cal
Being in a hurry.............................98 cal
With her husband opening the door..........1218 cal

A Hotel Lobby

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know You'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Magnificent Couple

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a Skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", Our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our Poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of his desire are freed at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on, kiss'em!" He growls."I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling. "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry by now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars..."

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