As usual

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!"




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Irish wedding

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court." The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK." "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my damn fingers!"

Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

How to lose weight

Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement...........................12 cal
Without her agreement.......................187 cal

TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands...............................8 cal
With one hand................................12 cal
With the mouth...............................85 cal

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection.................................6 cal
Without erection............................315 cal

FOREPLAY
Trying to find the clitoris...................8 cal
Trying to find G spot........................92 cal
Without caring at all.........................0 cal

WHEN "DOING IT"
Holding her up...............................12 cal
Just on the floor.............................8 cal

POSITIONS
Daddy-mummy...................................2 cal
69 laying.....................................8 cal
69 standing up..............................112 cal
Trolley.....................................216 cal
Italian chandelier..........................912 cal

HAVING AN ORGASM
Real........................................112 cal
Fake........................................315 cal

POST ORGASM
Staying in bed...............................18 cal
Jumping off the bed..........................36 cal
Figuring out why she jumped off the bed.....816 cal

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age...............12 cal
From 20 to 29................................36 cal
From 30 to 39...............................108 cal
From 40 to 49...............................324 cal
From 50 to 59...............................972 cal
Over 60.................................. 2916 cal

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly......................................32 cal
Being in a hurry.............................98 cal
With her husband opening the door..........1218 cal

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