5 years older

5 years older

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud she came home and put it on.

She then showed her mother how she looked in it. `What do you think mom?' she asked.

Her mother replied, 'If I wore that when I was your age, you would have been 5 years older.'

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As usual

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!"

Irish wedding

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court." The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK." "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my damn fingers!"

Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

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