A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in.
"Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!" "Well, why not try your luck?" replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night.
The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?"
The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asked the lion.
"Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"
More Bar Jokes
This guy goes into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He plops the crocodile on the barstool, taps on his snout, and as the crock opens wide, he unzips his pants and lays his tool in the crock's mouth. The old crockodile remains perfectly still, mouth open, sharp teeth in place.
The guy says to the bartender, "Brings me a drink." The bartender says, "Anything, man, but that is terrible. Please get your dick out of the crocodile's mouth. Anything man! He is gonna snap shut on you."
"Gimme another drink," says the man. "Sure," says the bartender, "Anything you say, but get your dick out of the crocodile's mouth!"
People are gathering around to watch by this time. Finally, the guy has a last drink, all on the house, and takes his tool out of the crocodile's mouth, draws it in, zips up his pants.
"Anybody else wany to try this?" he asks. A little fag at the end of the bar shouts out, "Yes-s-sh, I would, but I don't know if I could keep my mouth open that long!"
This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"