I got laid

I got laid

A little kid bursts through the front door yelling, "Mom, Mom! I got laid! I got laid!" When the mother hears what her son is saying she slaps him across the face and says, "Go up to your room, you filthy boy, just wait for your father to get home, he'll take care of you!"

She can hardly believe what her son was telling her. Soon his Father gets home and is instantly instructed to go and discipline their little foul-mouthed child upstairs.

The Father enters his sons room and can see he is still very excited about his first sexual escapade. The first thing out of his sons month, "Dad, Dad, I Got Laid!" The father says proudly, "You did? How was it?"

The young boy says, "It was great dad! It was the most incredible experience of my life! It was so great! It was the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I can't wait 'till I get laid again!"

The father is very proud of his son's sexual encounter and gleefully asks, "Well Son, when are you going to be getting laid again?"

Without hesitation, "As soon as my ass stops hurting!"

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Smart Jokes

A penis is a gentleman...when it sees a lady, it stands.
It is also an artist, after every performance, it bows
It is also a gossiper, it goes from mouth to mouth

Lady goes to the dentist, takes off panty, sits down and spread her legs
Dentist : Obgyne is 1 floor higher, madam
Lady : No! You installed my husband's dentures last week, you get them out now!

Woman in restaurant sees the chef flatening the hamburger with armpit
Girl : That's the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!
Chef : You should have seen how we make donuts!?

Define blowjob
Its' the only job in the world that can't be written on a resume despite years of experience and number of references

A woman needs only 4 animals in her life :
a. a mink on her back
b. a jaguar in her garage
c. a tiger in her bed, and
d. a jackass to pay for it all!


A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy cow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the Parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.

"THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

Some Quickies!

1. All men are terrorists. They always attack women on their twin towers and destroy their pentagon.

2. Two sperms are swimming really hard and one asks, "Are we almost at uterus?." "Nah!" says the other, "we just passed the tonsil".

3. A woman gave birth to six babies and on seeing this she got out off hospital bed and slapped her husband and shouted, "I told you not to go doggy style".

4. Man went to the chemist to buy one fourth Viagra. Chemist said that it would be useless. Man said, "I am 70, sex is out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes".

5. Secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you comment on this? "The truth is that she has a big mouth".

6. A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making love. She said, "Aww, so sorry... exkooz me pleazo, Front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud".

7. What is common between a swimming pool and a wife - for both we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them.

8. What's the difference between biology and sociology?
When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology

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