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Bed Time Prayer For Guys

Bed Time Prayer For Guys

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'Cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor,
And once I'm done, she begs for more.

Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
And brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

Amen.




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Daddy's face

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting that he can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"Mommy, mommy! I was at the playground, and daddy and..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, and that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her: "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Sex techniques...

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."

Master of mind and body

An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, " My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him.

Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says," My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect.

The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE. His penis immediately goes limp.

The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says. 'I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. (a raging hard-on once again) and the follows this display of prowess with the command of DICK, AT EASE. (His penis goes limp once again.) The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again.

The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. His penis becomes immediately erect. And then gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE. The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE. Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE. No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells god dammit and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.

The prostitute asks '"What the hell is going on?"

The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!"

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