Jokes

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a > burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put > these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your goddamned attitude changes!"

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings.

One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said "get in the confessional" which Joe did.

Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said "I can't hear you". Again the priest asked "Joe did you take any of the
offering?" Again Joe answered "I can't hear you". This time the priest yelled "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING" Again Joe answered "I can't hear you". By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said "Joe trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So they traded places and Joe asked "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true?" To which the priest answered "By Golly you can't hear in here"

This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"